Kaleidescope

    Today was the first truly, sunny and warm day in the PNW and I decided to attempt to enjoy it with the rest of them. I went with my family to Contigo to get food from David and Eric and then to the little farmer's market in West Seattle and as I wandered around I could feel the heat of the sun pulling what little energy I did have out of my body...but I pressed on because I was with my youngest brother and therefore was having a pleasant time. After a little while, I just wanted to crawl into a hole in order to be in the dark and maybe in a cool place, but I decided to go to see my friend Jess instead, and her apt. was adequately shady and cool. I hung around for a while, but still grew increasingly tired and headachey and knowing that eventually I needed to make it to a work meeting, I decided to drive home.
    The drive was blurry and scary and bright. Radiohead helped. The cool breeze from the open windows also helped, but everything that could have reflected light did, including the blades of the helicopter flying over the freeway and the light posts and the tire rims and the knick knacks hanging from rear view mirrors. I feel like I'm looking at the world through a kaleidescope when the sun is out...sort of pretty but not so much when I'm on the freeway. The heat is an enemy of a different kind; it seems to simply dehydrate my body with impressive speed...like I'm an old person. I know you all will hate me for wishing this, but I DO wish for overcast and rain tomorrow. Sorry, but this sunny weather makes my health worse and life more difficult. I just want a day of ease...so maybe I could go for a walk and breathe some air without feeling like I might collapse.
    And another thing, I am unhappy about this change in Blogspot...there is no reason for it to be this complicated. And Elijah is cute and is ready for me to be done typing.

A nerve test on the 3rd of May and then maybe by then these seizure meds will be working??? Also, my youngest brother will be moving in while he finds a place which is awesome....one more person to drive me around with my kaleidescope eyes! Go brain tumor!!! :op

A Pulsating Noggin...Mmmm....Bratwursts.

After 5 ultra sounds to check for various types of organ problems and cancers, I'm still sick and still in the process of diagnosis. Yesterday I had a CT scan of my brain along with an MRI after...tomorrow I see a neurologist to see if something is wrong with my brain.
It's tiring being so tired all the time...but even worse, I can't be out in the sun without feeling like my head is going to blow up...no seriously, my head feels like it's expanding and retracting, the way a bratwurst sausage cooks...pulsating. Hmm...now I want a brat! And a beer! Focus Manda!

So yea...school has suffered. I am definitely going to fail at least one class...hopefully I can at least pass the other two. Tomorrow I am going to have the neurologist write me a note to take a medical leave, just until I figure this out. People have been really helpful and supportive and I do appreciate it all...sometimes I'm sure if I appreciate it enough...or maybe I'm not worrying enough, or maybe causing others to worry too much. I am not tryin' to make other people sick with worry.

I'm supposed to be writing a research paper on the hazards of preservative filled foods...which is something I believe to be a real problem, however, I find it hard to focus on anything. My flash game is not going so well either, I have not even made the little skeleton...and I SHOULD care more than I do. All I can think of is how tired I am, and how hard it is to see this computer screen and the words I am typing and I'm glad it's not sunny today because the sun hurts my head and a brat sounds good even though I'm not at all hungry. I also would like to give a shout out to T for going to get me the most AMAZING ice cream bars...Gevalia's Magnum Caramel ice cream bar...OMG. So amazing. I can barely hear my own thoughts as the volume on the television is up so high...even if I had the energy, eyesight and ability to focus, the noise makes things difficult.

I want BBQ chicken. I also want to cry. I also still love my job and my family and friends and amazing boyfriend. I love my cats.

Time to lay down for the evening. These eyes are strained.

A

Wild Horses

I know a girl with whom I recently made friends...she is super creative and talented that she really should be surrounded by a protective case in order to catch it all as it pours out of her mind onto paper. In case you haven't noticed, I admire her talent...that being said she scares me a little. It's like being around a horse...even though you know they are "tame" you know, deep down, that they aren't really tame and they could turn on you and hurt you. This girl will never set out to intentionally hurt me, but sometimes I see her wild side surface and she becomes unpredictable and therefore, in my mind, dangerous. And yet, just like with horses, I still take the risk of being around her, if for no other reason than to soak up the tame side of her. I really like her, I do...even when she scares me and I think I'm changing my mind, I find that being around her makes me smile and laugh. Wild horses are beautiful and always worth getting a little closer for a better look and maybe some of their energy...even though they may kick you in the head and kill you. Yes? Yes.

It's a Good Day for a Parafin Dip

But first...let's talk for a moment about misogyny...for months and months we've been hearing and reading about politician after politician who seem to be hate women...now, I'm no psychiatrist, but I can't help wondering what Freud might say. I mean, clearly these men have some mommy issues, perhaps erectile dysfunction? There must be something more to this than have a strong objection to abortion....right? Misogyny. Greek misogynia, from misein to hate + gynē woman — more at queen. Yes, that would make sense...The Greeks were all about pissing contests. So, riddle me this then...aside from Rush Limbaugh, who let's be honest, only says these things to piss off his Dominatrix waiting at home to spank him while he wears lace cheekies, but aside from him...why DO so many male politicians hate women? Have they ever seen a woman who REALLY should never been allowed to breed or raise offspring?? I HAVE! I CHOSE to tie my tubes because I was never sure I was cut out to be a GOOD mom. I may have been a great mom, but I was unsure and didn't want to take a chance...but what about women who can't afford birth control, or who were born into a religion that dictates they are not to use birth control but who have no intention of "waiting for marriage"? Then what? Does anyone believe that abstinence is the norm for their kids? No matter HOW religious or spiritual or devout to their faith, teenagers are RAGING with hormones and sex is the ONLY thing they think about aside from what college they want to go to...but otherwise, girls AND boys want to have sex. It's a fact. Deal with it.
I'm not sure what sparked the attack on Planned Parenthood and other women's issues and who on earth is in charge of probing women in order to make sure a woman wants to abort? Well, let me tell you something, a woman NEVER WANTS to abort...chances are high that there is a good reason for it...and probing her HAS to be unconstitutional. I has to be. But I digress...These conservative politicians who are all about ridding the women of this country of their rights are probably just upset because they still haven't been able to nail a female orgasm. Every time I see those male enhancement ads I laugh...it's not the size, boys...I swear, it's not. But I digress again...mustn't get too graphic. (Sorry Mom).

Now, about that paraffin dip...That's Elijah...the pictures I pair with these blogs may or may not have anything to do with what I'm talking about. I also welcome comments. This is not just for me to write then read...oh no. Please, I encourage discussion...even if you disagree with me.
Anyhoo. I've blabbed long enough for today...Oh, before I forget...my mammogram hurt, but not as badly as I expected...and I do not have cancer! The lump they found was just a fatty deposit, apparently. I never thought I would be happy to have more fat! But there it is. Now, I'm ready for a paraffin dip. My hands need some TLC.

Doctors and Boobs and Cancer..OH MY!

This is not going to be a blog about cancer or about doctors or about nutrition...Nor will this be a "female" kinda blog...if you want that, you can go check out my archives of Spinster in Distress. No, this blog is all about the random things I think throughout my day, whether I'm at school or work or at a restaurant or having a mammogram...I happen to be having a mammogram tomorrow...so I will be talking about that experience, but not until tomorrow. For now, let us talk about restaurants. 

Tonight I was convinced by my dad to give Applebee's another shot after a less than memorable experience about a year before. I couldn't remember what I had, which means it was not good, but then it meant it couldn't have been that bad either. So, I went with my parents, hoping to get a decent chocolate milkshake and some french fries...really, that's all I wanted. I didn't see french fries alone on the menu, so I ordered some french dip sliders and couldn't imagine the sliders would be so bad. Silly girl. When my food arrived, I picked up on of the sliders and smelled something familiar...hmm...what could it be? I took a bite and was reminded of pepperoni pizza...yes, really. I decided to put ketchup on the tiny sandwich and dipped in what I thought was au jus, but when I took that first and last bite of au jus, it was so greasy, I gagged. It tasted like pepperoni grease...and it was not jus, but grease. I didn't want to stop eating, as my parents were paying and I didn't want to be rude, so I lathered it in ketchup and got through it. HOW hard is it to put some roast beef on a bun and some au jus from a packet in a bowl? I mean, come on. I didn't expect much...but I'll tell you, what I got was the stuff of nightmares. I had some serious post traumatic stress until I finally purged it out of me. I know, it's gross...but I really had no choice. No more Applebee's for me. 

Anyhoo...I'm sure the nervous stomach had something to do with not being able to stomach Applebee's...why not? Tomorrow I go in to get a mammogram and an ultra sound. I have had some scary symptoms for a while and although my doctor is certain that I'm crazy, I'm making her check anyway. I'm scared and my boobs hurt and I'm hoping they do not find anything. I already plan on getting a second opinion but gotta get through this first. 

I'm bored with telling this story again and again. Going to watch a documentary on Madagascar after I help a fellow student who's first language is Nepali. Art History should be less words and more art, if you ask me. Art teachers sometimes think they know more than anyone else...I disagree. Art is always about perception. Goodnight.