Kaleidescope

    Today was the first truly, sunny and warm day in the PNW and I decided to attempt to enjoy it with the rest of them. I went with my family to Contigo to get food from David and Eric and then to the little farmer's market in West Seattle and as I wandered around I could feel the heat of the sun pulling what little energy I did have out of my body...but I pressed on because I was with my youngest brother and therefore was having a pleasant time. After a little while, I just wanted to crawl into a hole in order to be in the dark and maybe in a cool place, but I decided to go to see my friend Jess instead, and her apt. was adequately shady and cool. I hung around for a while, but still grew increasingly tired and headachey and knowing that eventually I needed to make it to a work meeting, I decided to drive home.
    The drive was blurry and scary and bright. Radiohead helped. The cool breeze from the open windows also helped, but everything that could have reflected light did, including the blades of the helicopter flying over the freeway and the light posts and the tire rims and the knick knacks hanging from rear view mirrors. I feel like I'm looking at the world through a kaleidescope when the sun is out...sort of pretty but not so much when I'm on the freeway. The heat is an enemy of a different kind; it seems to simply dehydrate my body with impressive speed...like I'm an old person. I know you all will hate me for wishing this, but I DO wish for overcast and rain tomorrow. Sorry, but this sunny weather makes my health worse and life more difficult. I just want a day of ease...so maybe I could go for a walk and breathe some air without feeling like I might collapse.
    And another thing, I am unhappy about this change in Blogspot...there is no reason for it to be this complicated. And Elijah is cute and is ready for me to be done typing.

A nerve test on the 3rd of May and then maybe by then these seizure meds will be working??? Also, my youngest brother will be moving in while he finds a place which is awesome....one more person to drive me around with my kaleidescope eyes! Go brain tumor!!! :op

A Pulsating Noggin...Mmmm....Bratwursts.

After 5 ultra sounds to check for various types of organ problems and cancers, I'm still sick and still in the process of diagnosis. Yesterday I had a CT scan of my brain along with an MRI after...tomorrow I see a neurologist to see if something is wrong with my brain.
It's tiring being so tired all the time...but even worse, I can't be out in the sun without feeling like my head is going to blow up...no seriously, my head feels like it's expanding and retracting, the way a bratwurst sausage cooks...pulsating. Hmm...now I want a brat! And a beer! Focus Manda!

So yea...school has suffered. I am definitely going to fail at least one class...hopefully I can at least pass the other two. Tomorrow I am going to have the neurologist write me a note to take a medical leave, just until I figure this out. People have been really helpful and supportive and I do appreciate it all...sometimes I'm sure if I appreciate it enough...or maybe I'm not worrying enough, or maybe causing others to worry too much. I am not tryin' to make other people sick with worry.

I'm supposed to be writing a research paper on the hazards of preservative filled foods...which is something I believe to be a real problem, however, I find it hard to focus on anything. My flash game is not going so well either, I have not even made the little skeleton...and I SHOULD care more than I do. All I can think of is how tired I am, and how hard it is to see this computer screen and the words I am typing and I'm glad it's not sunny today because the sun hurts my head and a brat sounds good even though I'm not at all hungry. I also would like to give a shout out to T for going to get me the most AMAZING ice cream bars...Gevalia's Magnum Caramel ice cream bar...OMG. So amazing. I can barely hear my own thoughts as the volume on the television is up so high...even if I had the energy, eyesight and ability to focus, the noise makes things difficult.

I want BBQ chicken. I also want to cry. I also still love my job and my family and friends and amazing boyfriend. I love my cats.

Time to lay down for the evening. These eyes are strained.

A